Friendship - Trust = ?

story by Jane 
 illustrations by Sour

What is the definition of “friend” in the dictionary? It means a person one likes and trusts. But what if there is only like without trust? Can we still define her as a friend?

     To me, the age of sixteen is the most dramatic year in my life.

     I met a girl named Rachel in cram school. At first, I was drawn to her because of her silky long brown hair and charming big eyes. We soon became good friends because we had so much fun teasing each other. Rachel was outgoing and talkative, always surrounded by her friends. She was everything I longed to be.

We went to the same junior high school, though not in the same class. Rachel often came to my house and we would study together. As time passed, she’d often tell me the problems she was facing in her class. She had a hard time being isolated by her classmates, so I tried to be there for her when she was down. I still remember her words from those days, “You’re the only person I can trust.” Gradually, I came to see her as my best friend. Those were the happiest days in my life.

However, after she sailed safely through the storm in her life, problems between us began to emerge. As I mentioned before, she was bubbly while I seemed as quiet as a mouse. Her extrovert personality made her so popular that she didn’t have time for every friend. I noticed that Rachel was especially close to a girl in her class. Because of her, I got to see Rachel less and less. I had the feeling that my dearest friend was leaving me.

I couldn’t help but panic. It was my first time to care so much for a person. I didn’t want to lose her at all. After tossing and turning in bed a few nights, I decided to set about my mission impossible to keep Rachel by my side.

I figured that Rachel wouldn’t forget me easily if I went to her classroom to find her every day. I even made notes about what I could chat with her in case we ran out of topics. Also, I tried to make friends with her classmates. In the beginning, she seemed to be happy I was there with her and having fun with her classmates. However, after two weeks, her classmates were sick and tired of my presence. I could obviously feel Rachel’s impatience.

I had to admit that the first strategy failed.

Then I went for something totally different─I tried to act like I didn’t need her at all. I stopped going to her. Many times when she was near me, I would act like I was having so much fun with my friends that I “really” ignored her. Only if she knew how hard it was for me. For several weeks, I gave her the cold shoulder. Yet, she didn’t come beg for my attention. She didn’t even notice my change. In fact, she seemed to do better than ever without me.

I was so desperate that I had no choice but to tell her my feeling. I mustered up the courage though at first she was impatient. Moved by my sincerity, she then told me that she didn’t mean to ignore me and promised to be more considerate. Right then, rapt as I was, it just felt too good to be true.

Our “new life” was perfect. When I sometimes went to see Rachel, either she or her friends welcomed me. The relationship between me and her classmates improved. I blended in with their circle without any difficulty this time. 

I thought our friendship would always be that lovely until one day...

When I was in the restroom at school, I heard Rachel and her classmates chatting. To my surprise, they were talking about ME! I held my breath and tried to eavesdrop. “Come on! You know how annoying she has been these days. Oh my God, isn’t she ashamed of behaving like superglue hanging around me anytime and anywhere? I can’t pretend that I like her!” “Well, on the other hand, she helps you with your schoolwork. Every time you have conflict with others, she will stand up for you. What an idiot! I bet she doesn’t know you never like her!” The moment I heard the words, I nearly fainted. I was so stunned that I couldn’t move. The world in front of me fell into pieces so fast that I couldn’t even have a second to fix it. 

How much I had trusted her! Her every word was like a needle stabbing my heart. She told me I was her best friend! I liked her so much that I gave her my heart and soul. How did it turn out to be such a joke? Totally disappointed, I knew it was time for me to leave her.

Still feeling hurt, I haven’t trusted anyone else ever since then. But somewhere deep in my heart, I pray one day I’ll come across a real friend who sees my beauty and likes me the way I am. Then, I will have the courage to open up my arms again.