story by Elizabeth Lim
illustration by Deedee Yeh
The sky was grey and it was raining outside. The howling winds blew the leaves into the classroom. The lights were flickering. There was only one person in there. That was Elizabeth, my best friend, our class leader. Her face was pale and her jaw was tight. She gave me an indifferent glance when I entered the classroom without saying anything. That wasn’t the Elizabeth I knew. She used to be a happy and energetic girl, and she always wore a beaming smile on her face. But now, I only saw a face filled with resentment, despair and hopelessness….
As a class leader, there were lots of tasks she needed to take care of, but the most important thing was, she had to maintain classroom order.
The whole class was noisy all the time. Everyone was running around the classroom or chatting with each other.
“Go back to your seats and be quiet. Don’t make any noise again!” Elizabeth yelled, but no one listened to her.
“What happened here?” said the teacher angrily when she was confronted with chaos. She couldn’t help making the remark, “You are a bunch of hopeless brats!”
The leaves in the school campus were falling. Winter was around the corner. The weather outside was just as gloomy as Elizabeth’s lonely heart. She was so helpless that she gradually lost her smile.
“Am I an incompetent class leader?” she once asked me in the middle of the semester. “I don’t know what to do now.” “I’ve given every bit of my strength and time to the class, but it was completely useless…” She mumbled in a voice with despair.
Afterwards, she seldom talked to me or other friends anymore. Maybe such was her frustration that she didn’t even know how to complain.
One day in class, some people were eating instant noodles, shooting rubber bands, or splashing water at each other. Elizabeth was trying to calm them down, but her efforts were in vain as usual. As the teacher stepped into the classroom, one of the students even poured water at her.
“Where is the class leader? How can you let this happen? You are such an irresponsible person.” The teacher scolded Elizabeth for what had happened in class. She couldn’t help but take the blame in silence. Then the whole class was made to stand still at the school entrance as a punishment. Elizabeth was standing in the first row, acting as if she were calm, but I knew she was pretending to be tough since I saw her hands clenched into fists.
A few days later, the whole class was in pandemonium when the teacher came. She was so mad that she announced that she was not going to teach us anymore. Then she dashed out of the classroom and rushed to the Discipline Office. As soon as the teacher left the classroom, I saw Elizabeth run after her. She caught up with the teacher and begged her to come back. Unfortunately, the teacher refused. She complained about our awful attitudes and poor grades. She found no reason to teach us any longer. She then said some heart piercing words to scold Elizabeth. Elizabeth didn’t argue at all. She only promised the teacher we would not let her down again. Finally, the teacher was touched by Elizabeth’s words and consented to come back the next week.
“Thank God, she finally said ‘yes.’ What a relief!” Elizabeth said. As we thought the worst part was past, it was not. After telling the class the teacher had forgiven us, some boys yelled, “Why did you go beg the teacher? If she doesn’t want to teach us, then she can just quit!! ” Others said, “We don’t need her. Do you know you just did a stupid thing?”
“Bang!” Suddenly, we saw Elizabeth throw the microphone to the floor. Everyone stopped talking. The whole class was so quiet that it seemed we could hear the sound of a needle drop onto the floor. Everybody stared at Elizabeth. Her face turned red. Then the deep-rooted anger exploded all at once.
“What the hell were you guys talking about? Do you know begging her back was such a difficult thing? Do you know how I felt when I was begging her? I was so embarrassed that I wished there were a hole I could hide inside. I felt so sorry to the teacher for what we had done, but I still had to beg her to come back. Why did I do this? It was because I was the class leader. ” Elizabeth shouted.
She talked louder and louder, getting angrier and angrier. She even hit the desks and chairs, throwing around the blackboard erasers and chalks. Instead of cooling down, Elizabeth became even more exasperated.
“Do you know how stressed I am? If you don’t do well in any aspect, I am to blame. I am constantly humiliated because of you guys. Every day I am thinking what else I can do to make this class better, but none of you seems to care! Couldn’t you just put yourself in my shoes? Why can’t you work with me? I really can’t take this anymore.” Strangely, Elizabeth’s voice suddenly turned soft.
Before we realized it, Elizabeth took out a knife and drew on her hands several times in front of the whole class. The boys were speechless and the girls were crying out loud for help. Her wound was appalling. The blood dripped onto her clothes and the floor. We were trying to calm her down but it was futile. Luckily, two boys seized a chance to take the knife off her hand. The girls went up and pacified her. Thank God! The teacher finally came to rescue us.
A few weeks later, Elizabeth told me what had happened later after she left the classroom. “After dressing the wound, the teacher asked me what had happened. At first, I remained quiet as usual. But suddenly, tears streamed down my cheeks involuntarily. I told her everything. I told her the problems I met, the struggles I had, and the feeling I felt.” she was choked as she talked.
“I didn’t know what to do. I was very confused. I knew I should do my duty, but emotionally, I didn’t want to do that. I was physically and mentally exhausted. Sometimes I didn’t want to go to school; I wanted to cut classes despite the fact that I would have to face the music later on. The pressure was far more than I could bear. I was not what I used to be. I was so pessimistic. I lost my smile and confidence. I hated my friends. I hated the class. I hated to go to school. I hated everything.” “After telling the teacher how I felt, I was so relieved.” Elizabeth continued to say, “We had a long talk. I meant a very long talk.”
“I know that you have been contributing a lot to this class.” The teacher said. “You have tried your best. NEVER blame yourself for what is not your fault okay? You thought this position brought you only unpleasant feelings and results. Is that true? Isn’t there anything you learned from this role of a leader? She looked at me gently. I kept quiet. Then she told me, “Being a leader doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself. It is a chance for you to learn communication skills, to practice how to interact with other people, and most importantly, to know yourself better. As long as you have done your best, you should leave the rest to me.” “I knew all of these! But I couldn’t do it.” I replied. The teacher patted me and said, “You should learn to take it easy and share feelings with friends. Be happy, Elizabeth. I liked the way you were better. Cheer up now and never give up! I am sure that you were a smart girl and you will make it through. Many of your friends are worried about you. Go now and talk to them!” “…Okay. I will try to be the girl full of smiles again.” I said.
A few weeks later.
“Ha! Ha! This was so funny! Have you ever read this before?” Elizabeth was asking me laughingly. She wasn’t depressed anymore. She was still our class leader, and the class was still in a mess. But she was happy every day. She told me, “It took me a long time to think over the teacher’s words. It is not easy to change your beliefs and ways of doing things overnight. However, I have learned how to release pressure now. I am no longer demanding with myself like before. ” During the break, Elizabeth would share her feelings with me. She retrieved her old-time smile and confidence. Finally, she was again the old Elizabeth that I used to know….
No comments:
Post a Comment