Xscape

story & illustrations

by Becky Pan 

Life with my parents sucked long before I realized it.

  Dudes, I think you will surely agree with me that there is a kind of animal species dangerous to us six“teens”─parents. They are unpredictable, uncontrollable and worst of all─they are always right. Always. I mean, no matter how hard we try to convince them of something, if they already have a so-called “wonderful” plan for us, none of our ideas matters to them.

  Anyway, as I was saying earlier, my relationship with my parents was horrible. Every day I’d wake up into the same nightmare, as if I’d accidentally pressed the replay button too many times. I’d see my mom looming before me screaming the “What-are-you-still-doing-in-bed-do-you-have-any-idea-what-time-it-is-you’re-so-going-to-be-late-now-get-out-of-bed-and-go-eat-your-breakfast!” part over and over again like a VERY annoying high-pitch alarm clock. 

  “Mom,” I would complain, “no one eats breakfast at home. It’s so lame! All the cool guys hang out at the cafeteria. Do you want me to look like a loser? I’m eating out.” 

  Okay, so perhaps I had spoken the wrong thing because my mom then erupted into a volcano. Well, not literally, but it was no less deadly. You could almost see the lava flowing out of her eyes, the steam hissing from her mouth and worst of all─the thunderous roaring.

   “Olivia, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO HANG OUT WITH THE DRUGGIES? IT’S BAD INFLUENCE AND YOU WILL END UP IN JAIL SOMEDAY!”

Really? Is that so? I thought, you’ve just woken the whole neighborhood, mom. “All I want, is some of my personal space. I can’t stand that you’re always buzzing around me and interfering with my choice of friends.” I grumbled. And yes, as you can predict, the volcano just transformed into a nuclear bomb. 

  But hey, don’t judge me so harshly! I am already 16! Surely I am capable of handling my own life. There is no reason for my parents to rudely butt in and ground me every time I request to hang out with friends. 

  Little did I know that it was this thought that led me to the biggest disaster of my life.…

It was another normal day at school. My friends Katrina, Natalie and I hung out as usual in the hallway, peeking and squealing as guys walked by. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that Katrina and Natalie are the party type─they go around flirting with guys they meet, especially Katrina. You should’ve seen how “hungry” she was. On the contrary, I am the “goodie good” kid, thanks to my mom.

  They only came over to my place once, which turned out to be a total nightmare. My parents found neither of them “appropriate friends” and told me to break up with them; on the other hand, Katrina and Natalie saw my parents as “ridiculous creatures.” I was never allowed to mention their names again, and was “separated” (or so my parents think) from them. However, I never listened to my parents. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with such cool girls? 

  Anyway, we were standing and chatting there in the hallway when suddenly a deep voice from behind us said, “Hey, Kat.” We whirled around. Leaning on the wall was Chad, the football captain with a crooked smile on his face. 

  “Wanna go to Rick’s on Saturday? I heard that they’re holding a party, and well … I think we could have a little of our ‘private time.’”

Katrina’s gorgeous eyes gleamed. “All right then, sexy, see you on Sat.”

Chad shifted his balance to the other foot, then with a sly smile he said, “Oh, and don’t forget to bring your two cute babes as well,” motioning at me and Natalie. “they’ll sure know how to hype up the party.” “O’ course,” Kat replied, looking at us, “surely you girls will come, you can’t miss Rick’s.” Natalie nodded eagerly, “Definitely, I’m so going to be there.” 

  By this time, my palms were slippery and my forehead was coated with beads of sweat; anxiety and uneasiness settled inside of me. Oh please no, don’t ask me. I pleaded silently. I knew only too well how my parents would react if I ever brought up the topic, much less attending it, and yet I didn’t want to look lame and stupid in front of the boy of my dreams. 

  Well, apparently the odds weren’t in my favor that day because Chad then turned to me and asked, “What ‘bout you hun? You coming?”

  I cursed viciously in my head at my parents and answered in a quivering voice, “Well … I … umm … I’m sorry, can’t go.” Kat and Nat stared at me in disbelief, as if I’d just dropped in from outer space and hissed, “What are you doing, Liv? Do you have any idea what you’re saying?” Instantly, I felt the blood rise to my cheeks and I blushed with embarrassment. “I’m really sorry, but … but my mom she … you know … ” I wasn’t even able to finish the sentence. “Oh no, your mom again?” Kat said in a disgusted tone, “Seriously, when are you going to outgrow the ‘mommy’ thing?” “Well, well, let’s not be too hard on her.” Chad said in a mocking voice, “Everyone has their own issues with parents.” 

That was it. The smirk on Chad’s face was the last straw. “All right! I’ll go!” I blurted out. “As long as I sneak out quietly … I guess I could….” A broad smile grew on Chad’s face and he winked at me. “Seems like our little girl’s grown up. Well done, I’ll be expecting you on Sat.” With that note, he strolled away. Kat turned to me, “I can’t believe you were so stupid, Liv! You made us look like total losers! When Chad says something to you, you simply don’t say no. You just don’t, but at any rate, I’m glad that you’re finally coming. We’ll let you know what a good time you can have, and … uh ... I gotta go, see ya!” She turned and walked away with Natalie. 

  Only then did I let out my breath. What was I thinking? I screamed in my head, I can’t go to the party! I just can’t get myself to sneak out late at night. I dreaded even more declining Chad, Kat and Nat. With guilt weighing heavily on my mind, I started to plan how I was going to escape from home as I trudged home warily.

  Tick tock, tick tock. 

  I bit my lip, hoping to hide my anxiety. My parents sat beside me at the table eating dinner and babbling something that sounded to me like this: “How’s the blah blah blah blah at school, blahhhhhhh blah blah blah homework and review blah bla bla be a good kid.” I didn’t hear a thing they said. The only thought rushing around in my head like a very irritating hamster was the event that was about to happen. Two more hours, I told myself, I’ll fake sick and go to bed early. After about another three hours, when my parents have long gone to bed, I’ll listen and see whether they’re asleep, then I’ll quietly tiptoe down the stairs to the back door and Katrina will be waiting in a car for me. I took a deep breath and exhaled, as I ran over the steps again in my head, fearing that something unexpected might occur. It’s going to be all right, I assured myself, stop scaring yourself with those stupid “what ifs.”

Tick tock, tick tock.

  “OH MY GOD! I can’t believe I did it!” I screamed in Katrina’s car. “Yeah, ya see? Natalie told you it ain’t that hard dealing with your folks. Now, let’s go off PARTYING!” With whoops and yells we sped onwards to Rick’s.

  Even from a far distance, I heard the deafening disco music and the beats.

  Above the entrance was a big banner with large words that read “ALL DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE!” The house was lit up with different colors of torches and large ribbons dangling from all the windows. People swarmed everywhere and the laughter and cheering noise they made echoed around the courtyard. 

  “Wow,” I gasped, stunned by the view. I could hardly take in the size of the party. “C’mon, let’s go look around and have some fun.” Katrina chirped happily, “Oh look! Here comes Chad.” I looked toward the direction she was pointing at and my jaw dropped. 

  Chad and a bunch of guys, all buff and ripped, strolled toward us. They all wore leather jackets and combat boots with black designer jeans that went surprisingly well with their “over-tight” stylish shirts. I had a hard time keeping myself from drooling over the eight packs that pressed out under their clothes.

  “Yo,” Chad said in a husky tone as he walked towards us, “seems like you all made it to the party, welcome babes.” He looked us all over with seductive eyes saying, “I’ve brought you some dance partners. Meet my bros, Tanner, Kyle and Dylan. You’ll have a great time at the party with them. Enjoy ladies!” 

  The first thought that popped into my head when Chad finished speaking was: Whoa, whoa, wait a sec bro. I don’t even know you that well, let alone your buddies. So why don’t we just all chill down, have a nice cup of tea like civilized humans and get to know each other a bit more? But instantly, I felt stupid for having the thought. Look at all the people dancing and drinking around you! I told myself, this is a place for fun, not a place for us to be lame little kids. Therefore, uncomfortable as I was with the situation, I forced a tight smile and joined them on the dance floor.

  It wasn’t long before the uneasiness churning in my stomach turned into wave after wave of nausea. The  strong odor of perfume mixed with sweat kept flowing into my nostrils, the thundering music was pounding in my ear, threatening to impale my eardrums, and worst of all, the constant rubbing and contact with so many people, with a lot of body parts exposed, made me want to puke.

     Finally I couldn’t stand it. “Hey guys,” I said to Tanner and Natalie, who were having a very good time making out beside me, “I’m not feelin’ very well, I’m going to the bar and get some drinks.” They were having such fun that they didn’t even bother to answer. So I made my way through the enormous crowd to the bar, ordered a drink, and sat down.

  Sitting away from the crowd helped clear my mind. For the first time, I started looking around the house. I saw people dancing and screaming, cheering and laughing, and as I turned my head, I spotted Chad. He was talking with another guy that I didn’t know and I saw cash and white powder exchanged between them.

  I was baffled. Partying at night may not be a good thing, but drugs? That was too overboard and I couldn’t take it. As I watched, Chad pushed his way through the crowd and handed some to Katrina. She went wide-eyed─with excitement and started to look for Nat and me.

  Panic welled up inside me. No no, I thought. There is no way I could agree on drugs! I looked frantically around to see if anybody had sighted me. Lucky me, Tanner was looking and pointing toward my direction. 

  I ran. 

  Through the front door, past the gateway and into the starless night. I caught a cab and got in before the front door was opened and Chad and his gang emerged.

  I was still panting hard after I snuck into my bedroom and hid myself under the covers. I was terrified about the things that happened and with dread I found no choice but to tell my parents the truth. After Chad saw my reaction, I knew that there was no going back. He would eventually come to me and do something horrible to keep my mouth shut, like I would even want to tell the police. I drifted into dreamless sleep as I wished I had listened to my parents and never would have ended up in this mess. 

  Tomorrow. I will face my parents and my punishment, for this is all my fault, I thought as the reality drifted away and I was washed into my dreams.

The Monster Roars

story by Lily Wu

illustrations by Yi-ju Cheng

As I walked out the exam room of the Basic Competence Test, I felt quite relieved because I had finally gone through the three-year-long ordeal. All I did was take pointless tests while no one told me what they were for or  how I should prepare for them. For times I had thought of running away from it all. And I did. Now I was freed at last…. As I wandered on the street, a strange-looking man handed me a flyer about traveling to a place called “Noexam.” The ad really attracted me. To celebrate the end of the test, I signed up right away. After all, anything was definitely going to be much more fun than my dull junior high school life!

  The first place the tour guide took me to was the off-shore island of Onmaxe―Examisfun Island. There was a popular theme park in the center of the island called Testme. But unfortunately, we arrived there so late―it was already five o’clock in the afternoon; all that we could do was go back to the hotel and come back the next day. In order to make it up to me, the tour guide offered a free cable-car ride. On the way back, I felt quite dizzy and gradually fell asleep….

      When I opened my eyes again, I found myself in the hotel lobby. It was rather quiet, which aroused my curiosity. I asked the receptionists where all the guests had gone, but they replied with an unfathomable smile giving the same answer, “ There is a BIG show tonight. Please make sure you’re in good shape to attend it.” Not knowing what to expect, I went into the hall in excitement and fear. 

  When I opened the door to the hall, I was immediately confronted by a gigantic monster―its spiky head was made up of sharp red pens, its body formed by scrunched test papers and it kept roaring, “You just failed! Do it again!” “Why didn’t you finish the report? You can not go home without finishing the worksheet!” Its hoarse voice reminded me of the strictest teacher in my junior high school, who gave me such a hard time during my teenage years. All she did was make us write all sorts of test papers so that we could score full marks in every test. That “TEST MONSTER” kept lunging forward, trying to make me face my biggest nightmare. I screamed louder and louder, but no one came to my rescue. All I could think of at that moment was to flee as far as I could. 

  Soon I realized one thing―the test monster ran as fast I did, which meant the distance between the frightening creature and me always remained the same. This shocking discovery inspired me to change my strategy. I gathered up the nerve to fight the monster face-to-face. I stopped at the lobby and waited for it. “What do you want?” I shouted at it. “I want you to answer these questions!” That monster howled in its terrifying voice. I looked down at the papers it gave me and found I had done these kinds of questions in junior high. Wanting to make the monster go away, I started to do the exercises without hesitation. As I got down to the task, I found it was no longer cruel torture since I actually knew the answers to the questions. The more happily I did the exercises, the smaller the monster became. 

  All of a sudden, I heard a strange sound from the monster: “Ahaha…!” Then the monster turned into smoke. About two or three seconds later, that scary test monster vanished. The only thing left on the floor was a letter. In that letter were three tips: 

1.Prepare before taking a test. Do as many exercises as you can.

2.Relax when you take the test and put your best foot forward.

3.Don’t run away! 

Love, Exam Monster 

That letter taught me a lesson that our teacher hadn’t before. Although all the teachers told me to study hard in junior high school, nobody told me “how.” After having read the letter the monster gave, I finally understood why. This monster helped me to face my nightmare (actually tests are my nightmare), so I’m no longer afraid of taking any test if I have studied for it. No longer do I view exams a stressful thing.

“Wake up, Miss! This is the final stop of the cable car ride!” After I woke up, I found that all the “Test Monster” stuff was just a dream. I continued my journey. A few days later, when I got back to Taiwan, I almost forgot that dream. As soon as I arrived, I received my Basic Competence Test report card. To my surprise, I did better than I had thought before, which reminded me of that dream. I also found a piece of paper placed next to the flyer, and it looked exactly the same as the monster’s letter. “Is it just a dream?” I wondered….

On the Way

story by Zoey Shih

illustrations by Tina Fang

“Come on Zoe, we gotta go. It’s 7:25 now, we’ve got only five minutes left for the meet.” My new roommate Ariel shouts through the doorway. “What? Can’t hear you!” I rush out of the bathroom, still holding my towel. “Never mind. Let’s go!” Ariel sighs, dragging me into the hallway. It is our first day at camp, which means we’re gonna meet a bunch of “strangers” who are supposed to be our “family” for the next two weeks. I peek at my watch—it is already 7:30! It’s the first day and we’re gonna ruin it. What’s worse, my hair is drenched, which makes me look as if I’d wandered in the stormy rain for three days. 

And now, we’ve just broken the very first rule: “Never be late.”

  As we dash into the lobby, twenty pairs of eyes stare at us, including the teachers. “You must be Zoe and Ariel.” A teacher in yellow T-shirt and blue jeans says disapprovingly. “Go join your team over there.” He points at some kids in the corner near the television. Ariel and I hurry up to join our team in awkward silence. 

It’s awful when you introduce yourself to a bunch of people in the morning, especially when your hair is still wet, but I’ve got no choice. After only a few minutes, it’s my team’s (the white team) turn to introduce ourselves. I’m so nervous that I mumble something like “Hellu everyune, my name is Hoe,” so Ariel ends up introducing me to everyone. I’m so embarrassed (mostly because of my hair) that I want to dig a hole and hide in it for a million years. While I am walking back to my seat, I notice a pair of eyes staring at me. I look up, and see a boy my age in  black shirt and jeans sitting across from me. He’s got a big bright smile on his face, which captivates my heart right away. When he finds me looking at him too, his smile grows even bigger. When he waves at me, I notice his red wristband. I wave back, meanwhile doing my best to hide my blushing cheeks. Then it’s his turn to go to the front. His voice is very soothing but so full of confidence. Then I learn he has a beautiful name that perfectly suits him—Jacob. 

  When we get down to business, I find myself in one of the worst teams in history ever. While the other teams are busy drawing their posters together, our team (if you could call it a team) just sits back and does nothing. As a team, we are supposed to prepare our coming presentation tomorrow, but none of our teammates seems to care about it. They just keep playing with their phones. I glance across the lobby, and find Jacob with his teammates. They’re building a model out of boxes to illustrate their topic. Jacob was born to be a leader. He’s got great talent in giving clear instructions and herding the sheep in his group in the right direction. I glimpse one last time at his teammates again, feeling totally jealous of them, and that’s when our eyes meet.

   It’s amazing that he can always see through me, like now. 

  He seems to notice the tiredness in my eyes, so he gives me a comforting big smile. Then he whispers something to his teammate and walks out of the lobby. Without any hesitation, I get to my feet and follow him. I feel privileged because it’s like there is a secret between only the two of us. Leaning against the wall outside the hotel under the chilly moonlight, I pour out all my frustration to him like a child. I tell him that I’m so tired of being the leader. I tell him that I have no idea how to organize my team. I tell him that I have stage fright—my brain stops working as soon as I spot the huge audience. And I’m worried about the coming speech tomorrow. My confidence is fading away every day and I could do nothing about it. He stares into my eyes while I am talking. The warmth in his eyes melts away all my worries and disappointment, leaving something firm and bright called “hope.” 

   While we take the elevator back to our rooms, Jacob takes off his red wristband with the Rockets on it and hands it to me. “Just be yourself on the stage. Don’t think too much. This band keeps me calm whenever I’m nervous.” he smiles, as bright as usual. “Sure it’ll do you the same!” he laughs as we walk out of the elevator.   

  On the way back to my room, I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach. As I step into the room, Ariel is checking her email on the bed. “ Where did you go?” she asks, putting down her phone. “Just strolling around.” I lie, still holding the wristband. “Have you taken the bath?” I ask, walking toward the closet and taking out the towel. I do not mean to keep my friendship with Jacob from Ariel, but I have no idea how to share my crush with her. My feelings are too fresh, too delicate to be put into words.

  Nobody seems to notice the wristband in the morning. I keep touching it during my speech, trying to absorb as much courage as I can from it. The speech turns out surprisingly good. After the morning lessons, we hop on the bus to the science museum. When I want to make it up to Ariel and ask her whether we can sit together, she has already taken the seat beside Michael, which really surprises me. Well, something is going on in her life as well. So I take the seat beside Jane, and that’s when it happens.

  We chat about some funny people and things, like how fast John talks when he’s nervous. Somehow Jane mentions that she saw a picture of Jacob and his potential girlfriend in his computer when they were preparing their presentation.

  I am stunned speechless.

  Tons of questions spin around in my head while we are walking around in the museum. Following everybody’s step, I can’t help but keep staring at Jacob. Go and ask him, a voice repeats in my mind. But what if he’s really got a girlfriend? Another voice protests. “Zoe?” someone shouts. “ Are you coming?” another voice chimes in. It is Jacob and Zack. “We’re going to take a look around the science museum, are you coming?” “Yeah, of course,” I answer quickly and race up to join them. We walk around the museum and accidentally find a cool room with much exhibition space. Zack goes to the bathroom when we are taking pictures of all kinds of weird rocks on the moon. 

  At that moment, Jacob and I lean against the barrier, staring at the glowing stars on the wall. Finally, I get up my nerve. “Jacob?” I ask, wishing to some degree he didn’t hear me. “Yeah what?” he does, though. “Do you ... Nah, nothing.” I act like a wimp. Part of me is afraid of hearing the answer, because I just want to stay in the way we used to be.

   When we walk through the dark hallway, I feel a hand holding mine. It is big and warm. Somehow the so-called potential girlfriend never seems to matter anymore. It’s just here and now.

    “So why not reach for it?” A loud and clear voice in me tells me to step forward.

[untitled]

story & illustrations

by Sophy Chu

“It’s the emptiest and yet the fullest of all human messages: Goodbye.”

   Truth be told, I’ve never really liked saying goodbyes, and truth be told, I didn’t want to send you off at the airport at all, because I knew that your goodbye would be one of those goodbyes, those goodbyes that I’m afraid of, those goodbyes that I can’t and won’t and don’t know how to say goodbye to.

  So here, I apologize in advance for my watery eyes and forced smile trembling at the corners. I apologize for the wet spot I made on your shirt from my snot and tears when I hugged you and buried my face into your shoulder. I apologize for putting off this goodbye until now because I was too busy trying to make myself look strong like the way I promised I would be, but the choking tight lump in my throat and the stream of never-ending tears I am trying to hold back is making it hard to breathe, and making everything extremely difficult for me to not break down. I apologize for the dumb jokes that I made, which I admit, were a lame attempt to make the whole situation seem lighter. I apologize for the stupid quotes such as “this isn’t a goodbye, just a see you later” because I hate that shit, and you hate that shit, because I am sixteen years old enough to understand that this shit won’t make us feel any better. I apologize for not having enough time to say the things I wanted to say to you, the things that I practiced millions and millions of times over and over again in my mind for months because I knew that this would happen eventually and don’t you dare give me that forgiving smile of yours and say in a soft voice “it’s okay” like it’s not a big deal, because to me, it is not okay, and to me it is a great deal, and to me it matters. 

I apologize for the many ways I disappointed you, let you down, or made you sad, or made you mad, but that isn’t the point and that isn’t what this is about. This isn’t about worrying or confessing about the things that we did wrong or the things that we said without meaning to in the past because we should be celebrating or rejoicing or something like that. Yeah, we should be hugging each other and wishing each other the best but heck if I don’t want your best to be my best and for us to share in a best with each other together where we are smiling and laughing and frolicking like pink unicorns in blossoming fields of rainbows and happiness. 

  I apologize if I am not a person of many words, and although I don’t really show my affections like the way a cat purrs and rubs against your legs, or the way a dog wags its tail when you scratch it behind the ears, but you should know by now how dear you are to me, and how much I love you in the most fierce and sisterly ways. I apologize if I am crying and I know I will continue to fill my nights with weeping, and each of my tears will be sentenced to death on my pillow every time I think of you, because I miss you so much. I miss you so freaking much.

  I hope that in old age or times of darkness, you can still remember me. That was what I practiced saying to you, remember me. Even if “remembering me” means thinking about that time you had to clean up the mess I made after vomiting on your favorite jacket from drinking too much beer at that shady party I dragged you to, or that time I acted annoyed and pissed off when you asked “can you braid my hair again?” right after I finished doing your braid, even though I secretly like untangling your hair and seeing your face muscles relax and you relish the comfort after a stressful day. Even if you think of the time I made fun of your mono-brows, the time I laughed at your not-so-funny joke that nobody understood and made everything awkward, or the time I interrupted your conversation with your boyfriend with a strange question about the mating habits of a chimpanzee. 

  I hope that in spite of all the things that I did to sabotage your reputation or wear down your patience, I hope that when you think of me, you still remember me with a smile, the subtle kind of smile that still lingers on the corners, the type of smile that when people see you on a bus, eyes distant and staring into space, they ask what are you smiling at? You’ll chuckle and reply, a memory, a beautiful memory. I know I sound cheesy, and this sounds crappy and terrible, but I find it easier to express myself by hiding behind a metaphor, than actually telling you my real feelings. I’m sorry but it’s the best that I’ve got so far, because I’m afraid. I’m afraid I can’t and won’t and don’t know how to say goodbye to you. 

B F or BF?

story by Sandra Yue

illustrations by Joyce Pan, Sharon Lin, and Sandra Yue

Every girl dreams of meeting her Prince Charming. When he comes, he’ll hold her hand and promise to love her forever.

  I also dreamed someone would light up my world. And that’s what Eric did.   We were in the same class during junior high school. We started the conversation because he had met one of my sisters before. She impressed him not only with her ample knowledge but also with her positive attitude. I felt jealous because I wished I could impress Eric like my sister did.

   Since we shared much in common, soon we became friends, though he is a boy and I am a girl. We helped each other with studies. I teased him when he complained about his poor basketball skills, and he joked with me every time when I forgot to bring my assignments.

  He played an important part in my junior high school life. I felt at ease with him. I could be who I really was without pretending to be the good girl everyone thought I was. With me, he often shared the dream that he had never told his other friends. For instance, he hoped he could study in MIT someday. To encourage him, I smiled and patted him on the shoulder saying, “I trust you, I know you can make it!” He looked surprised but returned a smile to me with gratitude.

  I felt my heart beating so fast. Though I was a bit embarrassed, it felt sweeter than candy.

   However, Eric had a lot of admirers for he was tall and cute. Besides, he was the best student in school. Many times when we two were sharing our jokes, some girls would stand at the window and waved at him. Though I acted like nothing had happened and teased him about his popularity, I felt bitter in my heart. As time went by, I even felt angry with him. I refused to talk to him though he came back and tried to make up with me. He looked confused and seemed hurt.

  I felt I wasn’t myself. I would often approach him for no reason. When he was beside me, I felt satisfied. It was not until we became eighth graders that I slowly realized that I liked him more than a friend.

  At the end of the semester, we were closer than before. We spent almost all the time at school with each other. We shared lunch together; he gave me funny nicknames, and we even used each other’s thermos without caring if the other classmates spotted us.

  Then summer vacation came, and so did his birthday. He had told me that he wanted to receive a birthday gift from me, and I promised him that I would.

  Since then, I couldn’t stop thinking what I should give him because it was the first time for me to prepare a gift for someone who meant more than a friend to me.

  At the beginning of the next semester, I went to school with excitement and anxiety. The present that I prepared for him was a cute dolphin key chain with a big smile on its face. I hoped it would make him happy whenever he saw it.

  On the first day of the new semester, when I stepped into the classroom and saw he was on his seat reading as usual, I realized how much I had missed him and how glad I could see him again.

  The whole day I tried to find time to give my gift, but he was always chatting with the others. Finally, at the end of the day, I pulled him aside before he was to go home and quickly gave him the gift. He looked so pleased that I blushed and ran away as fast as I could. But I was sure I heard him laugh happily and say “thank you” behind me. His smooth voice wafted in the air, filling with joy.

  That night, everything that had happened kept replaying again and again in my mind. I was too thrilled to sleep.

  The following day when I showed up in the classroom, he left his seat and came to me, whispering in my ear, “ Thank you for the gift. I have a surprise for you on your birthday too.” I could feel him breathe next to me, so I didn’t turn back. I could smell his sweetness even after he went back to his seat.

  I just couldn’t stop smiling.

  Though we kept a distance from each other in front of our classmates, someone still figured out what was going on between us. For them, making fun of us became their favorite pastime.

  At first, we didn’t mind, but one day after P.E. class, one of our classmates asked me, “ Hey, will you two still be together like this in twenty years?” I glanced at Eric without replying.

  Then a few days later, when I went to cram school, a naughty boy in our class greeted me, “Hi, Eric’s valentine.” He emphasized the word “valentine” and gave an evil grin. Everyone in the room heard his words, and all of them started giggling.

  When I tried to get help from Eric, he just turned away as if he didn’t see me. He must have felt uncomfortable. Then I saw the girl behind him pat him on the back. Their laughter sounded like a sharp needle, slowly stabbing into my heart.

  From that day on, an invisible line gradually tore us apart.

  I kept smiling every day, as usual. So did he, though I couldn’t tell if he felt pain inside. We didn’t talk unless necessary. I avoided every chance of being alone with him, and he had never talked to me first since then.

  But deep inside, I still believed in that birthday promise. I told myself everything would be fine, and I waited.

  Then, my birthday came.

  I practiced how to smile and how to thank him for the gift in front of the mirror for about a thousand times. I knew when it happened, fireworks would burst in the sky and we would be okay again.

  When I walked into the classroom, everyone was surprised to hear my cheerful “good morning.” Though some of them asked me what was going on, I kept the answer to myself.

  I spent the whole day waiting.

  When the day came to an end, I finally realized the cruel truth. I also understood how silly I had been.

  Something inside me broke, like those colorful bubbles that disappeared in the air. However, I laughed much more than any other day in school. Everyone thought that something good had happened to me. What they didn’t know was that if I didn’t keep smiling, I would totally break down.

  When I was ready to go home, one of my friends, Jonathan, came to me. He said, “Though you were smiling all the time, I know something wasn’t right.” He went on, “If you feel really bad, I can be your shoulder. You don’t have to look tough.” Upon hearing the words, tears flooded my face. He stayed with me until I felt alright. On the way home, we didn’t have any conversation, but the silence was soothing.

  After we graduated, I seldom saw Eric. Yet when we met in cram school once, we looked straight into each other's eyes without saying anything. He just smiled gently, and so did I. Then I walked by him as if that short and silent greeting hadn’t taken place at all. 

  I will never regret loving him, but I’m moving on.