story & illustrations
by Taylor Yueh
No one but me knew that Ashley got asthma. Well, that’s because we had been close friends since childhood. She wasn’t in good health, I always knew that, but I never was well-prepared. How was I supposed to be WELL-PREPARED for her death? I wouldn’t think that way and I never will! Yet to my surprise, I didn’t cry when she left, not even a drop of tear. I guess it was too deep for tears, because if I cried, it would mean that she really left. For me, it was just a brief separation.
As time goes by, I get older. Things have changed, but her departure seems like a tragedy that happened yesterday. “Will I get through this?” “When will she come back?” I ask myself every day, every time before I go to sleep. Then I’ll dream about her that night, and when I wake up, my pillow is wet. I know I won’t forget, I guess I can’t. In the dream, I feel she lasts forever, but those beautiful memories we had together turn into tears, dripping with sorrow. Every time I wake up, everything is just about to disappear, like it never happened.
When I was in junior high, I was so looking forward to senior high school life. Now that I’ve got to live it, I find it quite exhausting, especially when I am not going to the ideal school with Ashley. I’m still trying to adapt to it. In fact, I’m adapting to a life without her.
“Aaron, do you need any help?” Someone taps me on the shoulder. It is a boring Monday; fortunately it is already the last period of the day. I am looking out the window, thinking.
“Nope, I’m fine.”
It’s a girl who sits in front of me; I remember her name is Andrea, but we call her Ann. Though we sit close, we don’t really talk much. Instead of being good friends, we’re just so-called classmates.
“You know I am really curious about what you are thinking.” she says. “I mean you’re a special person.”
“Umm …,” I can’t figure out what she wants to say. “I didn’t get your point.”
“I mean you always look out the window, thinking things that seem mysterious, and sitting quietly on your seat during break time…. You are really different from the other boys.” She smiles. Then, I feel I can’t catch my breath. That smile is just like hers. There is a moment, just one moment, I think it is her. I am totally freaked out, so I stand up and run out of the classroom. The teacher is still talking, and the students are still listening. There’s only me, not belonging to anyone or anywhere.
I dash to the staircase, a place which is quiet and secret. I know I am crying like an idiot because I feel things falling out of my eyes. “It’s okay to cry if you want to.” I remember what she said. Memories with her are flowing out. I feel like a coward every time I think of her, though I really am.
It is now 6 p.m. I finally calm down and feel better. I get up and walk back to the classroom to get my stuff. I can’t remember how I get home, but I’m sure I’m going to see the sunrise tomorrow morning and that I have to come to school, which is just so dull. Time is flying but I’m still waiting.
Just like I guessed, when I walk into the classroom, everyone is staring at me: it feels like I am the prey and they are the predators. Well, frankly, I don’t really care about these sorts of things, so I just walk to my seat and sit down. It’s better this way because they’ll think I’m weird and they won’t talk to me. Unfortunately, the girl who talked to me yesterday turns around and looks at me with an are-you-okay look. I nod my head and hope that she’ll give up on me. Then, she smiles again. Gosh, could you please stop that? I look out the window immediately, trying not to look at her.
“You’re really a weird person.” She giggles. Okay, that’s enough, I can’t bear it.
“Ann, please, give me some space, and leave me alone.” I really hope that I don’t hurt her feelings, especially when I don’t want to do this. I put on my hood and earphones. I feel better now. It feels like I’m the only person in the world, just me.
I really don’t get her because she’s still trying to talk to me. She’s not angry whenever I ask her to be quiet or something; maybe that’s just how she is. Weird and special, what’s the difference?
Time whizzes by. I’m feeling closer to this class because of Ann. She helps me a lot with making new friends. She makes me join the tennis club, because she says people who play tennis are cool, she nominates me to be the class leader, and most important of all, she makes me laugh. I don’t know how she does that, and I don’t know what this means. She is such an optimistic girl and she always does her best, just like Ashley. And that is what I never learn; that is why I’m attracted to her. Now Ann is just about to be her. Wait, what am I thinking about? It’s not good to think that way. I must be crazy.
“Aaron, come on.” calls Ann. “Come and join us.”
“Yeah, dude. Come on, we need you.” This is Arthur. He recently has become my best friend. We sometimes hang out after school.
“I’m coming.” I smile. I’m changing, I know.
Though I’m getting used to my new life, there is still something I can’t change: the reality.
That day is coming, the doomed day. It’s a holiday this year, so I don’t need to take a day off. Every year this day, I’ll go to her grave early in the morning and stay there a whole day, to talk with her.
“Aaron, do you have any plan for the weekend?” Ann asks.
“Well …,” It’s her death anniversary this Saturday.
“Guess what, we’re going to have a party on Saturday.” Arthur bends his arm round my shoulder.
“A party? For what?” I ask. On Saturday … then I won’t make it.
“It is Ann’s birthday! Haven’t you known that already?” says Arthur.
“Me? No, I have no idea about this.” I reply.
“But I thought you knew that. Ann said you marked that day in your diary.” He gives me a strange look. My diary?
“You did not look at my diary, did you!” I am trying not to lose my cool, but I can’t.
“I … I didn’t mean it. You left it on your desk and I just had a peek.…” cried Ann.
“What else did you see?” I’m going out of control.
“No … nothing.” She trembles.
“Hey, easy! You’re scaring her.” Arthur pulls my arm.
“That’s enough!” I shout, rushing out of the classroom. I escape again. All I can do is escape. I’m such a coward. Is that just a coincidence? Ashley’s death anniversary, Andrea’s birthday … what’s going on? I am drowning in confusion.
Umm … I fall asleep. It’s half past five now. I stand up, brush the dirt off my pants, and walk up the stairs. When I push open the emergency exit, I see Arthur standing in the hallway, looking at me.
“ … why are you still here?” I feel embarrassed.
“Then why are you in there?” he asks.
“Answer my question first.” My eyes are sore.
“I’m waiting for you.” he says. I am stunned. Why is he waiting for me? “It doesn’t make sense.”
“What doesn’t make sense?” I walk toward him.
“If you don’t know Ann’s birthday, then what’s that mark for?” He is walking up to me, too. I stop, but he’s still moving.
“Did she want you to ask for the answer?” I say.
“No, but she is very upset.” He moves closer.
“ … ” I don’t know if I should tell him.
“It’s about Ashley, isn’t it?” I hear every word he says, clearly.
“What…!” I am totally shocked and he’s right now standing in front of me.
“I’m sorry, I heard from others by accident.” He explains. “Is it really about her?”
“Don’t be so kindhearted. I know you’re coming to laugh at me.” I feel like an idiot.
“Aaron, what happened?” He grabs my shoulder.
“Haha …! ” I laugh, I laugh at myself. “Did you just ask me what happened?”
“Aaron?” He frowns.
“Let me tell you!” I feel like I’m falling.… “She’s dead! Saturday is her death anniversary! Is that clear enough?”
“ … I’m sorry.…” He is so surprised that his jaw is about to drop.
“Don’t be cause you’ll never know how I feel.” I’m sinking.…
“Hey, I really am sorry about this.” His hands hurt my shoulder.
“No, you’re not! None of you are!” I can’t control myself. Sadness and anger turn into tears, blurring my vision.
“Aaron, listen to me. You have to let go!” I can feel his grip getting stronger.
“You think it’s easy but NOT so for me!” I yell.
“Look around you; you’ve got me, Ann, friends, everyone. You can’t always live in the past.” He’s shaking me and I feel dizzy.
“It’s none of your business. Let me go!” I’m trying to stand still.
“You do know you can’t bring Ashley back to life, don’t you?” His words are like a knife, stabbing straight into my heart.
I push him off and run, as far as I could.
“Aaron, you have to face the truth. You can’t hide forever.” I hear him shouting.
So what? I would rather be a frosted lemon coward than keep my chin up.
I’m glad that it’s Thursday today because I only need to take one day off until Saturday. I don’t have the guts to see Arthur and Ann. I shouldn’t have been their friends. I should be alone, I always am, but she just comes into my world easily, whether Ashley or Andrea. They are so alike that I can’t even tell what’s going on. I spend the whole Friday thinking about Arthur’s words. Then, Saturday comes.
Lilies stand quietly beside the tomb, and so do I.
“I miss you.” I say inside my heart, wishing she could hear it. “I met someone, she’s like you. Is that you?” I get no answer. Then I smile. I know that, I always know that, I just choose not to believe the truth.
“Maybe it is you, or maybe not.” I sit down on the grass. “It doesn’t matter anymore. What matters more than this is the memory we hold on to together, or maybe just only me. You said there’s no such thing called FOREVER, but maybe memories can be permanent. They definitely are.”
I get up and take out the cell phone from my pocket.
“What’s up, pal?” I hear him say at the other end of the phone.
“You didn’t tell me where the party is going to be; how am I supposed to join you?” I laugh.
“Oh, that’s my fault. It’s at her place.” He is laughing, too.
“Hey, thanks.” I say, not only to thank him for telling me where the party will be held, but also to thank him for telling me not to linger in the past like an idiot.
“What are you talking about, huh? You’re my buddy.” I hang up the phone, looking at the tomb for one last time: farewell, Ashley.
This night is awesome. The birthday girl is wearing a light yellow dress; she has her hair done. She is more than gorgeous. When I see her, I smile, and she blushes. We dance, we laugh, and we have a great time. I also dance with Arthur, we laugh even more crazily, and we have the best time ever. We all do.
I still won’t forget what happened three years ago, I still won’t forget her, because she’s right here, inside my mind, beside me. Maybe I can’t change what happened, but I can change who I am. How stupid I was before.
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